I am still a Dumb

I wish I'd given this superpower to see through someone's heart.
Someone real intention.
After so long, I still not wise, never wise.
I hope I can judge people carefully.
I am taking the world too easy too simple.
I underestimate human nature,
I thought its about LoVe and CaRe.
I thought its about give in...
I forgot that life is like a drama
everyone is an ACTOR.

茅盾的心痛

明明就没有上次那么撕心的痛，可是就是有很不甘心。
如果爱没有对与错，那么爱也没有非要爱我不可得的权利。
明明就知道必须往前走，放下过去。
背负着巨蟹的恋旧，拼了命的掐着一些无谓的回忆。
到最后白白的遭来宙斯的儿子大力士赫拉克勒斯一个踏脚。
一生了了，就为了保护一些自以为是的什么。
我将会是这只歇斯底里的蟹吗？
打从心里面抖了一下。

明目张胆-何韵诗
作词:方皓文
作曲:edmond tsang
编曲:青山大乐队

等 终于到夜深
才能收集上次你
留在饭店那纸巾
夜更深 不敢送赠的吻
全凭我手中的偷拍照
营做着你那体温

我 如果想一世人和你过
平时就要企后几寸
去幻想 别要摸

若有一天公开明目张胆的爱
我怕会让你太意外
我的爱只愿缩到最小
仿佛不存在

就算我最爱你 情愿好好遮盖
化作了密码不公开
我一向都惯自言自语没别人爱
难道你发觉我志在
就会肯满足这期待
如若我也有权爱
同样我也有权爱不必被爱


拣偏僻角落坐 完全袒露就怕我
全部被你看情楚待你好
只不过是帮我
成为我爱演的一个我
其实未算太坎坷

暗里进行更自在
不相恋谁会受害
但愿尽情地种 谁说花需要开

若我一天公开 明目张胆的爱
我怕会让你太意外
我的爱只愿缩到最小
仿佛不存在

就算我最爱你
情愿好好遮盖
我怕揭露了不精彩
拆穿了总盼望谁在意 蜜月难再
如若你发觉有我在
就结束暗恋的时代
无谓去博你怜爱
明白叫你太烦的 不是爱
如若我也有权爱
同样我也有权拣 怎样爱

RiMas

我很焦虑。
希望明天一切都会好起来。
讨厌这种不能说出来的焦虑。
我说：Fucker You!!!

如果你在乎

我接受，一切的解释我都会接受。
我不懂得诠释我们关系。我只知道大家都曾为这段情感付出过。是多是少，时间或许误导了我，让我以为，你和我以为的都一样。是永恒的。

这些事情我对谁而言。

我不甘心还得甘心。叹息了，还得振作。

如今你的身份，对我，就只能剩下一个代名。因为我不晓得，一个不小心，又令自己误会了。

我不需要三言两语来敷衍我。

我也有感觉。我以为这么多年，你最懂我了。是什么蒙蔽了我的眼睛呢?

还要为你辩护吗？

疼惜的朋友责备，忠告，开解。

这关系变化了形象，就此而已。

是自己贪婪，以为关系降级了，他说只是在变化，就像大地万物。

不足为惜。

Green eye monster

Well, hate this. I felt timid after I gave Vicky comment on her blog, asking her to take it easy and that's just nature of mankind. Now, there's the point, I've been comparing, looking down to people, judging with unstandard criteria, thats me. But, basically, I found myself always got the wrong person right.

I guess I am just not so good in evaluating people, I am a real failure in mind reading, too Innocent for that. I always thought I can do better than they are, may be I just have to accept the Truth of the thing is and was.

My language power isn't anything I should be proud of now, furthermore as a translation student I should be ashamed as myself, writing poor English here. Kill me. I am so damn pathetic. What else can I do, better?

Got from a movie, saying something like she do not want to be just ordinary in her life. I mean, so do I. I like to be special, unique, extraordinary. Thats so good to be so. Hence when I figure out that I am actually not, its kind of hard for me to take it. Oh, yeah , I am just an normal woman like every other.

FIrst Impression

Well I did always judge people by the face. Opposite sex especially, who here is not intereted with cute looking guy. So it was then happen to pop infront of me another prey, another good looking boy. Name given Hychael in the thearter Blind Date, oh my God the real name is even cuter, Ladies and Gentlement presenting Nato. I know things always in the end turn out to be worst than the first impression leave behind. I always find these cute looking boy after sometimes seems boring or unattractive anymore. Just like what I concluded lately, the nearer I am to the reality or the truth, the more I find it wasn't that good as it was in the very first place.See the true faces is actually so damn cruel killing me. I can't love or to be more precise LIKe somebody for long, at least not now. Syl can't understand the reason why am I keep on preying or eye-ing on those might not be possible mangsa, but let me tell you boy. The satisfaction is not to have him on the palm but the enjoyment of seeing him and kacau-ing him. Believe me Reis did feel the same. Lets say, I mean just for example, Kevin did come to approaches one of us or might want to have crush or something, the feel of liking will immeadiately decrease right down to the bottom line or the ice point.Oh dear, we like our single life so much, at least for the time being we are. SO that nobody can left any memory of odour in the mind for years, so that nobody can break the very fragile heart just by a turning back. Oh, she has belong to some one so GreaT. She is really glad about that.

Wallflower syndrome

I blame myself for always not clear of what I really want in my life, everything can simply come in and out without any reason, objective. I wonder other did. There is something I wanted much but I cant get. There is something I promise to myself but in fact I can’t implement it. Thye reminds me that girl talk the other way with their will. I meant my word, but I think I know well why I wanted do so that time. He treated me over the limit I can take. He is trying to give me so much of fancy imagination that I don’t wish to fell inside so deeply. I am a human with flesh and blood, I have feeling and emotion. Please don’t try to fool me around, playing my thought in your palm. I understand that the responsibility is on both or I better say there is no right go wrong. I admitted I am not so good in handle my emotion as I am cancer, my emotion is heard to say, control by the moon, somehow is true. Brother said I have a very complicated mind, I think things that a lot of others wouldn’t, with lot of imagination, creatively. Am I afraid of fall in love again? At first, I deny, I have to say that I am avoiding myself to fall in love. I thought I simply don’t want it to be happen as I wish I can then belong to everyone, I want to be a everybody love Cheng Yan. I wish I can still hang around with all my buddies like what I am doing now. Feel so free to do anything, no worry. But there are time when you feel really lonely, and you feel so little in the crowd or almost talk to the mirror as you find no one beside you to talk to. You will just decide to leave the solitude theory a side. Luckily I am still standing firmly. Anyway, the previous pain has indeed leaves a scar and without you know, it has made you wiser and more careful in taking the next step. Thus it caused you to afraid too. Invisibly it does. Is not saying that, you are wrong, but being too protective always seems to stop us to catch our true love. I know all the theory just when it comes to reality, we were frightened. Be brave, be tough, sailed to your dream.

And another year gone

Times fly, it really does…So I gone through another year, its August again, to much to be recall, and to refresh. Really amazing that had I overcome all this days. Sometimes I doubt that the leaving of you beside us did affect some great decision of mine. In the end I have to admit it, there are thing that I might not do if you are still around. Daddy, let me tell what, without you I had and I had to grown up, more mature on how to handle this cruel world. Without you I have to be tough though I am all the while felling insecure. Without you I have to take the initiative to call mummy every now and then as you know, this is always your job to connect me closely with home. And thanks God without you, I learn to appreciate mummy more, that was what I finally realize that every parent do love their children and I knew that the precious property you possess was all four of us, and I know both of you are really feel proud of us even you’re never mention.

Through out this year I wrote a lot regarding you, dearest daddy, but I seldom post it on here since I would not want people to worry about me, but there are times when I can’t help, so many times I met you in my dream, and once I really felt that you has come back to me, holding me from the back, there was the time I when I need you the most. Thanks for the big tight hug and every appearances in my dream. As I knew I can’t control my tears now, it started to fell like rain drops. Just once let me recall it all here now, once for all. Hey sistas remember this song?

微微不要怕，你是好娃娃 (afraid no more, WeiWei, you are a good gurl)
自己跌倒自己爬(if you fall down, stand up again by yourself)
你看山上开满红花(look at the red blossom on the top of the hill)
你要是好娃娃就自己跌倒自己爬(so if you are a good gurl stand up again if you fall)

Daddy always wants us to be independent. I did and we all did I guess. I fell so bad that I never treat him nice the few weeks before he leave me. There was a couple of month before his death I wrote this:

I am afraid that I going to forget how to respect him…Its running out of my mind, Am I having an evolution deep inside my soul and body? I have no idea at all. It’s all going crazy. Is what I am thinking of against the morality? I don’t know. Shall I or how could I refuse him? Am I cruel? Doesn’t he ever think in my shoe? I am having a hard time to balance on this situation. Shall I or shall I not? If ya then why? Will this help? It’s such a minor power. How about my desire, my wish, what or which shall I put on the priority? mine or him? I used to love him, may be not this way. I guess I changed, I am having stressed, might be the sake of insufficient sleep, I become anger like unusual. I scared of being a character like she do. I don’t want to become a women who like to grumble. I wish I don’t have so much of complain. I wish we don’t have to overcome all these suffered period, I wish we never because I LoVe YoU aLL and if all these doesn’t exist in the first place, I am sure we’ll live life happier then ever. God, can you hear me, give me power, strengthen my soul and body, let me have stronger spirit to gain better life.

I treat him so cool and impolite as I never treat him this way and the worst thing is he did not blame me though. That’s why I am feeling so bad until now, I am sinful. If I were given a chance to take back times I swear to the God I will treat him the best I can, Love him with all my strength, sincerely and full-heartedly. But now, what I can do is only apologize. Following was the first time I put pen on paper again after his death, it should be a month aft the incident:

岁月不留人,又是一个月,七月の十一日.开学の第一天;一个月后;八月十一日,你离开了.我挚爱的父亲; 瞬眼间又是另一个月头. 九月十一日, 好快你已经走了一个月. 我想大家都还好吧! 我害怕的只是失眠的夜, 悠悠的又想起你, 眼眶都被缺提的泪水充满着, 无法入睡. 我不想自己太伤心. 相信你也不想看见我们这样. 我只想让你知道, 你的位置永远无法被替代. 我不会永记和你度过的一切美好回忆, 我会记住每一个画面, 每一句话, 每一个拥抱. 接下来的每一个剧情都会因为你的缺席而增添了一份遗憾. 有人说, 有个爸爸真好, 真的.我才发现原来我一直在自欺欺人. 原来我一直在疯狂的思念你…and when I realize the book was all wet with my tears.

Sorry for whoever not Chinese interpret, here comes the last one. That is some wise saying I heard from a radio station, sounds…

失去金钱的人，失去很多东西
失去朋友的人，失去更多东西
失去信心的人，市区全部东西

我曾和爸爸谈过这个，在我们同床共枕的时间里
我猜想他已经失去了斗志，它是选择性地离开我们的。
他释放了吗? 是的，我替他快乐，真的。
他想留下最美好的回忆给我们。
爸爸，我留下了，收藏着每一个美丽的画面。
你已是一个永恒的父，再没人能替代。
十九年的时光或许不算长，我会尽量去搜寻一切美好的过去。
那晚，我躺在床上，我仿佛感到你从背而来的抱我。
还有一次在梦里，我知道你来了，我背向你，不敢回望，惶恐一个转身你就走了。
爸爸，我好想念你！
我好害怕下一个父亲节的到来。你再回来看我们好吗？

Eventually the first father-less father’s day had come and gone with the wind. Life still going on. I am still fine here and will always do. Dad, you brought me so much of fun and joyful moment…you leave footprints in my life, you made me who I am today and I believe that you’ll always by my side whenever I need you.