Friday, August 11, 2006

Wallflower syndrome

I blame myself for always not clear of what I really want in my life, everything can simply come in and out without any reason, objective. I wonder other did. There is something I wanted much but I cant get. There is something I promise to myself but in fact I can’t implement it. Thye reminds me that girl talk the other way with their will. I meant my word, but I think I know well why I wanted do so that time. He treated me over the limit I can take. He is trying to give me so much of fancy imagination that I don’t wish to fell inside so deeply. I am a human with flesh and blood, I have feeling and emotion. Please don’t try to fool me around, playing my thought in your palm. I understand that the responsibility is on both or I better say there is no right go wrong. I admitted I am not so good in handle my emotion as I am cancer, my emotion is heard to say, control by the moon, somehow is true. Brother said I have a very complicated mind, I think things that a lot of others wouldn’t, with lot of imagination, creatively. Am I afraid of fall in love again? At first, I deny, I have to say that I am avoiding myself to fall in love. I thought I simply don’t want it to be happen as I wish I can then belong to everyone, I want to be a everybody love Cheng Yan. I wish I can still hang around with all my buddies like what I am doing now. Feel so free to do anything, no worry. But there are time when you feel really lonely, and you feel so little in the crowd or almost talk to the mirror as you find no one beside you to talk to. You will just decide to leave the solitude theory a side. Luckily I am still standing firmly. Anyway, the previous pain has indeed leaves a scar and without you know, it has made you wiser and more careful in taking the next step. Thus it caused you to afraid too. Invisibly it does. Is not saying that, you are wrong, but being too protective always seems to stop us to catch our true love. I know all the theory just when it comes to reality, we were frightened. Be brave, be tough, sailed to your dream.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

And another year gone

Times fly, it really does…So I gone through another year, its August again, to much to be recall, and to refresh. Really amazing that had I overcome all this days. Sometimes I doubt that the leaving of you beside us did affect some great decision of mine. In the end I have to admit it, there are thing that I might not do if you are still around. Daddy, let me tell what, without you I had and I had to grown up, more mature on how to handle this cruel world. Without you I have to be tough though I am all the while felling insecure. Without you I have to take the initiative to call mummy every now and then as you know, this is always your job to connect me closely with home. And thanks God without you, I learn to appreciate mummy more, that was what I finally realize that every parent do love their children and I knew that the precious property you possess was all four of us, and I know both of you are really feel proud of us even you’re never mention.

Through out this year I wrote a lot regarding you, dearest daddy, but I seldom post it on here since I would not want people to worry about me, but there are times when I can’t help, so many times I met you in my dream, and once I really felt that you has come back to me, holding me from the back, there was the time I when I need you the most. Thanks for the big tight hug and every appearances in my dream. As I knew I can’t control my tears now, it started to fell like rain drops. Just once let me recall it all here now, once for all. Hey sistas remember this song?

微微不要怕,你是好娃娃 (afraid no more, WeiWei, you are a good gurl)
自己跌倒自己爬(if you fall down, stand up again by yourself)
你看山上开满红花(look at the red blossom on the top of the hill)
你要是好娃娃就自己跌倒自己爬(so if you are a good gurl stand
up again if you fall)

Daddy always wants us to be independent. I did and we all did I guess. I fell so bad that I never treat him nice the few weeks before he leave me. There was a couple of month before his death I wrote this:

I am afraid that I going to forget how to respect him…Its running out of my mind, Am I having an evolution deep inside my soul and body? I have no idea at all. It’s all going crazy. Is what I am thinking of against the morality? I don’t know. Shall I or how could I refuse him? Am I cruel? Doesn’t he ever think in my shoe? I am having a hard time to balance on this situation. Shall I or shall I not? If ya then why? Will this help? It’s such a minor power. How about my desire, my wish, what or which shall I put on the priority? mine or him? I used to love him, may be not this way. I guess I changed, I am having stressed, might be the sake of insufficient sleep, I become anger like unusual. I scared of being a character like she do. I don’t want to become a women who like to grumble. I wish I don’t have so much of complain. I wish we don’t have to overcome all these suffered period, I wish we never because I LoVe YoU aLL and if all these doesn’t exist in the first place, I am sure we’ll live life happier then ever. God, can you hear me, give me power, strengthen my soul and body, let me have stronger spirit to gain better life.

I treat him so cool and impolite as I never treat him this way and the worst thing is he did not blame me though. That’s why I am feeling so bad until now, I am sinful. If I were given a chance to take back times I swear to the God I will treat him the best I can, Love him with all my strength, sincerely and full-heartedly. But now, what I can do is only apologize. Following was the first time I put pen on paper again after his death, it should be a month aft the incident:

岁月不留人,又是一个月,七月の十一日.开学の第一天;一个月后;八月十一日,你离开了.我挚爱的父亲; 瞬眼间又是另一个月头. 九月十一日, 好快你已经走了一个月. 我想大家都还好吧! 我害怕的只是失眠的夜, 悠悠的又想起你, 眼眶都被缺提的泪水充满着, 无法入睡. 我不想自己太伤心. 相信你也不想看见我们这样. 我只想让你知道, 你的位置永远无法被替代. 我不会永记和你度过的一切美好回忆, 我会记住每一个画面, 每一句话, 每一个拥抱. 接下来的每一个剧情都会因为你的缺席而增添了一份遗憾. 有人说, 有个爸爸真好, 真的.我才发现原来我一直在自欺欺人. 原来我一直在疯狂的思念你…
and when I realize the book was all wet with my tears.

Sorry for whoever not Chinese interpret, here comes the last one. That is some wise saying I heard from a radio station, sounds…


他释放了吗? 是的,我替他快乐,真的。

Eventually the first father-less father’s day had come and gone with the wind. Life still going on. I am still fine here and will always do. Dad, you brought me so much of fun and joyful moment…you leave footprints in my life, you made me who I am today and I believe that you’ll always by my side whenever I need you.